You’re Going to Want to Read This

It took me a while to write this
It takes me a while to write most things like this
But…This?
This took months
This took strength
This took cajones…big ones…

For those of you who read my blog and have or are struggling with your mental health and well being – keep going.
For those of you who have found comfort in my words thus far, keep reading…but *trigger warning*

It’s about to get real
Real emotional
Real honest
Real raw

If you’re wondering how long it took me to write this, well hmmmm…let’s say 5/6 months-ish.
So here we go…

A part of my self care routine is to make sure that I’m healthy…physically, mentally and spiritually.
So physically, I’m a vegetarian. I made the change cold turkey about 2 years ago, so I have to be extra careful to make sure I get what my body needs…and naturally so.
In doing that, I got a new doctor.
You know, the usual.

Going in for check ups, hiccups, boo-boos , etc..

Or so I thought

So in October of last year, I started having medical abnormalities…or like society likes to label it, “issues”.
I could’ve bet you all your money that I had some sort of rash, itch, infection, burn, cut, something!!!
Remember when I said it was about to get real?
Well,
My “abnormality”? Yea , it was what I thought to be the result of a slip up
You know?
A “slip” *hint hint*…

giphy (3)

Okay, yea so I got laid and uhh yea..so the doctor.
This new doctor I found, she was different. She was a listener. She asked questions. She didn’t make me feel rushed or like a number, but an actual patient who’s interest she had in heart.
So about uh, let’s sayyyy…6 or 7 visits later – I was still having this “abnormality”
At this point, I’m thinking to myself…welp f*ck it, there goes my lady flower, just throw her away…can we do that? Can you do that?
I kid 😉
So on or around the last visit about this “abnormality” ..my doctor sat me down and scooted real close.
She said to me “Amber, when you first came here and I asked if you’d been abused, you said yes..but you didn’t say how? Would you mind telling me if that abuse was sexual?”
………
Me:
giphy (2)

So yea, it was.
It was.
That was
That was it.

Her voice got softer and she leaned in to make sure I was listening…
“So, we’ve run every test and everything is clean…I think that what you’re experiencing might be a result of your emotional trauma behind the abuse resurfacing as a physical pain…have you ever dealt with it?

Hmmm…have I ever dealt with it?
Have I..Amber Snearl…ever “dealt with” being sexually abused
Well hmmm
Let me think. Na.
Like I mean not even in the slightest.

Now I know,
You know me through my blog, so you’ve probably read that I have a therapist who I see on a regular
So I bet you’re wondering, how? How have you not dealt with this?
Welp.

Not everything comes out as you’d think it would.
I played in my head over and over how I’d approach talking about this
Unpacking all of this…but each time I got to that office, sat on that couch and heard “so where do you want to start today?” I froze.

So the day after that appointment, I fell apart.
I lost it.
I felt like I’d lost my mind.
How could my mind have blocked such a traumatic experience SO HARD to the point that my body reminded me?
I couldn’t face the world after that.
I was embarrassed. Scared. Confused.
& broke as f*ck, might I add, for paying that lovely co-pay at my doc’s every other week

Only to find out it was my mind?
Am I crazy? Was I “crazy”??

I had to do something about this. So I did.

That morning, I took that week off work.
I deactivated my social media.
Stopped answering phone calls, texts, emails.
Didn’t paint.
Sat inside with the tv off.
I just wanted to “be”.
To be me.
To be better.
Hours later, I called my therapist. I talked with her and ended up checking myself into an intense therapy group and tried to just work through it. I didn’t go to work for 5 days straight. I didn’t want to explain why I wasn’t smiling or why I seemed to have a bad attitude that day..those days

I figured, hell, if my body is telling me to address it then, sh*t, I guess it’s time

Ain’t that crazy? Your brain is a crazy f*ckin’ thing.
Here I was thinking I’m some sort of unhealthy and really…my mind was.

Hey y’all
If ever you feel like there’s nowhere to turn.
Turn anyway
Turn and see what awaits you.
If ever you feel alone in this world and unheard, speak up and speak out.
Mental health is FO-REAL.
Your sanity is no joke.
Take care of you.
Love you.
Nourish you.
Cherish you.

You’re the only you we’ve got.

Fin.

XOXO
– Ams

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