Persona(s)

How many personas do we get for real ?
Not to play with
But…
How many do we really get and have to accept?

All of them? None of them? Some of them? One of them??

People paint pictures all day long
Sketch up portraits in their heads
Write stories that never get published
& store them away like forbidden fruit
Especially yours truly
So…
How many of those pictures deserve frames?
How many of those portraits go on display?
How many of those stories hit the press?

I think I’m wearing thin with the allusions so to my point!

I used to care soooo much what others thought of me.
It ran my life.
I made small decisions without even realizing that they were primarily based on what others might see or do with them later.
I dressed to appeal
Spoke to appeal
Even changed my smiled to appeal

If you’ve been reading my work for a while, you’ll know I’ve struggled with depression, right?
So you see where that got me 😃
Humor.. humor…bare with me
That was a huge hurdle that I endured that I was lucky enough to tackle first…well to still be tackling that is

It wasn’t until I realized how daunting and heavy the load got that I dropped it off and never looked back
You know
The load
The load of carrying others opinions, realities and cares on my own back. The load of wanting to be “liked” and “important”
The load that got so heavy that I had to sit down, shut up, plug in my headphones, turn the volume up and blast Bag Lady by our queen Ms.Badu to assist me in letting that ish GO.

There’s a lot of personas out there now. About Me. About us all really, but it’s my space here so let’s read some of my favorites –

  1. I’m quiet ( Am I? Could be. Could also not be. Or do you just not get spoken to? Who knows? 😊)
  2.  I’m sassy ( Am I? Could be. Could also not be. Or do you just not want to use the word bitch? Who knows? 😊)
  3. I’m smart ( Am I? Ok, I am, but.. lol)

So now…here’s the truth

  1. I’m not quiet, I just don’t give everyone my energy. I’m a bit of an introvert BUT only when I don’t particularly like or feel comfortable around you. If you walk up to my mother, my sister or any of my friends and call me quiet, they’d be like WHAT WHERE?? I’m not one to go around wasting my time or energy, giving it to any old body.
  2. I’m sassy af. I just keep it in my pocket for the right time, place and maybe person. Some people even call it this weird thing..having an attitude?? nene
  3. I’m very smart. Gifted actually, but I’m more in tune with my creativity these days, so let me be. I don’t want yo funky masters degree and your “practical” path. I just wanna live.

You
Get
The
Point

I let it all go but I didn’t really ever revisit it, just got comfy in myself and let it become second nature.

I never revisited it…

‘Til one day I got “dumped” well… given via an ultimatum, that well, clearly I didn’t take because I’m still single..as hell.

Ok so that persona thing came up again.
I didn’t know whether to accept or deny

Here’s how it went:

That day. My pops was there and gave me some sound advice. That advice went a little something to the tune of…

Me: Man I think I just got dumped.
Pops: Oh? What happened?
Me: He said I have too much of an attitude.
Pops: Well do you have an attitude?
Me: I mean, a tad. Yea…
Pops: Are you gonna change that attitude?
Me: Nope. Most likely not.
Pops: Cool, then fuck ‘em.

Best

advice

ever.

‘Til next time
Xoxo
-Ams

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4 Replies to “Persona(s)”

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